Distracting my Demons

I'm already pretty dang alone. But not being able to talk really gets to me sometimes. I don't get why. In times where you're isolated from everyone. Sometimes just talking to yourself can make you feel less lonely. Hearing your own voice is just a simple reminder you're alive. But I can't even have that. I can't hum a tune to myself. I can't cry. I can only try to speak and hear my throat struggle to push anything out. 

I blame them for it. I will always blame them for it. It's so abundantly obvious I don't know how my parents hid it from me for so long. Just how corrupt people are naturally. All it takes is a little bit of power and people convince themselves they are Gods. They throw other people to the curb, even those who once cared for them. All for selfish gain. Some people can't even comprehend how horrible they are. Somehow they don't even believe what they are doing is that bad. I want to kill them. I want to get rid of them all. I want all of this evil and corruption to disappear. But I don't want to be the one to do it. I want someone else to. I want to watch the world get fixed. Because I know what I would have to do to fix the world. And I hate it.

But the boat sailed a long long time ago. All I can hope is that my moral code hasn't been lost so much in the blood I've spilled that I've become no different. Part of me hates the idea of killing them. And part of me wishes they all dropped dead right now. And I don't know which one is right.

I found a Bible in someone's Attic recently. And I opened it to a random page. I know my parents liked this book. I think they believed in God. Either way I know the bible talks about forgiveness and love. But reading it, I feel inspired by it's views on love. If only other people lived by those same ideals. Not that I am right now either. If God is real, I don't think he would be happy with me passing judgement for him. Not that I am killing for religious belief. I just hate corruption. And I know how awful it is to realize it's a core aspect of this world from a young age. I want children to just... Be able to be children. Who knows. Maybe if the world fixed itself enough, adults would be able to be children again. But that seems like a fantasy.

I kinda really hope that if God is real. He'll send another flood. And kill everyone on earth all over again. Including me. 🌊🌊🌊

That might be my longest entry yet. It's just because I don't want to stop writing. I don't want to put the pen down and go back to my thoughts. I mean. These are technically my thoughts but it's still distracting me from my deeper thoughts. The thoughts I don't write down here. I don't want to go back to the silence. It's too loud. 

let me write a little longer. Just to pass some time. let me write a little longer. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. just a little more. I don't want it to end I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back... But I'll always have to. 

Shit. 



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