I Tried a Dating App

 So darn tired. It’s one of those nights. Not physically exhausted. Just sad. Always sad. Very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sad. And there’s nothing to do about it. I admit I tried a dating app recently. Didn’t put much thought into my profile, cause I hate the idea of dating apps in general. But I guess I was more alone than usual, and did a stupid thing. Actually could have gone on a date with a man. But I chickened out and stopped texting him. 

  I feel bad. Especially because now he’s probably going to think it was something he said. Maybe he’ll overthink about that, I know I would. It’s just… I can’t. There’s no way I could. Even though that’s all I really want. I’d just get them killed within a day. I said I was a photographer, and I travelled around a lot, and that I didn’t have a designated home I lived in. which is kind of true. Only because I hate going back to my old home. I get unbearable and overwhelming memories of my old life. And start fantasizing about what a life would be like if my parents were still here with me. The man told me I could stay at his place if “Push comes to shove”. However, shoving is the least of his worries if I were to get involved in his life. Besides, I didn't even tell him I can't speak. So even if I did go on a date with him. It would be awkward. there'd be a pile of sticky notes and a lot of awkward silence. especially if he knew sign language and I'd have to write down "I don't know sign language" and then he'd say he'd teach me and use it as a way to bond and grow closer as a couple. Not like that would be a bad thing. But it scares me anyway. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need someone. I really really really really really need someone. But I've already chosen the path that ends in isolation anyway. Maybe I should end it all.