Bunny Girl Blog

 Matthew 18:3

  To the white light I see in my dreams From the red light on all of the machines Tangling and ripping me away at the seams  There is no warning before or after it’s gone What is it that used to widen my eye? What was that feeling that made me cry? What was it that I thought I would try? Why is day no longer as beautiful as night? When it rains there’s twice the illumination Turns the ground to glass, reflecting a gleaming creation But the world lost color long ago So when it rains it might as well be snow When a fire burns all I see is the coal When this finally ends will my story be told? All I dream of is a petal and stone And a place I can finally call home With the rain not just pouring  from the clouds Will their memories really be that loud? I hope at least for one, I will make a sound.

 The only way I ever feel heard is by writing in here. I'm not writing to anyone. or for anyone. So I think... I'm hearing myself? I guess I'm my only friend. which sucks but at least writing to myself is better than nothing. I feel like after I write in here, I come out at least slightly better. Or maybe with a better understanding of my own problems? Is this what therapy is like? am I my own therapist? I've never really thought of it that way. I don't really try to make myself feel better. There's no part of me that knows how to get through this. But just writing is fun, and makes me feel like part of me is here to stay.    I can't speak, and what's even weirder is that I've never learned sign language. So if I try and mention I'm mute, people will start using sign language. which is why I bring sticky notes and a pen everywhere. And even then most people can't read my hand writing.  I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. That's the closest ...

 Remember when my journal entries used to be fun? Or were they ever? Not sure why I make it seem like I'm talking to someone. As Britney Spears once said. My loneliness is killing me. 

  There are certain things I realize I refuse to think about. I don't usually notice because it comes naturally but something I was watching kinda made me realize. And I don't know why I'm even thinking about it right now. It hurts… Everyone has their own lives. And their own problems. Simple right? Maybe for most people. But for me that's an uncomfy thing to think about. Because I kill a lot of people I don't know. And I assume they are all bad. It makes me feel better… But what actually have they been through? Maybe they were on the verge of having a kid, or about to get married. What if they had a kid waiting for them at home… see this is why I can't think like this. It hurts. It makes me second guess. But… if not me then… who? Why do I feel like that's an excuse.

Usually whenever I’m not posting here. I’m having a good day. So whenever other people read my thoughts here. They will probably think I’m nothing but a depressed little girl… and you’re right. But some days are good. I wish all days were like this. But you take what you can get. 

  I just realized I don't really have any pictures of myself. I have no way of knowing what I used to look like except for my family photos. But I don't even have easy access to my family photos. I buried them underground in the basement of my old home. Where they would always be safe. Our house didn't even have a basement. there was always just a random hatch that led to the dirt under the house. That's where I hid my treasured possessions. But even though I treasure them so much, they don't really feel like I'm in possession of them. Seeing as they are deep underground. Well, hopefully it will be safe if the house gets taken over by some random homeless person, Or the city decided to demolish the house and rebuild. Hopefully it'll be safe... Although now that I think about it, it would be hard to find them if the city built a new house on top of it. But I have no better place to hide them. And I can't keep them with me because I'm always moving aro...

  One thing I miss more than anything is how bright everything used to be. When my parents would be driving at night while I was in the back seat. I'd stare at the city. Unfocused my eyes. And the light would flicker in my sight like millions of lanterns converging and overlapping, and I wouldn't even blink. When I snapped out of it, I'd realize just how long it had been since I last blinked. Walking around at night never felt too dark back then. It's like the moon was shining brighter when I was a kid. Like a night light, I could see the path ahead of me. But now it's never been darker. I can't see anything. I don't know if it's a difference in my memory, mindset, or if it was actually just brighter back then. But now, everything is just… Grey. And I spell it with an e. because the A makes it look happier than it is.

  So darn tired. It’s one of those nights. Not physically exhausted. Just sad. Always sad. Very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sad. And there’s nothing to do about it. I admit I tried a dating app recently. Didn’t put much thought into my profile, cause I hate the idea of dating apps in general. But I guess I was more alone than usual, and did a stupid thing. Actually could have gone on a date with a man. But I chickened out and stopped texting him.    I feel bad. Especially because now he’s probably going to think it was something he said. Maybe he’ll overthink about that, I know I would. It’s just… I can’t. There’s no way I could. Even though that’s all I really want. I’d just get them killed within a day. I said I was a photographer, and I travelled around a lot, and that I didn’t have a designated home I lived in. which is kind of true. Only because I hate going back to my old hom...

  I don’t really have time to play video games. Well that’s not exactly true. I have plenty of free time, I just have this mindset whenever I try to play a game. The mindset that I don’t have enough time for it. And then when I stop playing the game suddenly I find myself eating ice cream and watching friends. Or musicals. Something to make me feel safe. Maybe video games are too much of a commitment? Maybe I feel like when I start I'm obligated to finish it, or something like that? Maybe I can play a more tame game. Why am I even trying to convince myself to play video games right now? I guess I am bored… What video game should I try… The only one I’ve actually managed to play and fully complete is Neva. Oh and Xenoblade 3. Now that I think about it those games might also be a big reason I don’t play video games anymore. If I fall in love with these characters, or the story. I don’t want to say goodbye. I Don’t think I have the strength to say goodbye.